From an archive of Limerickdb: ------------------------------------------- There once was a buggy AI Who decided her subject should die. When the plot was uncovered, The subjected discovered That sadly the cake was a lie. ------------------------------------------- A preoccupied vegan named Hugh picked up the wrong sandwich to chew. He took a big bite before spitting, in fright, "OMG, WTF, BBQ!" ------------------------------------------- There was an old man From Peru, whose lim'ricks all Look'd like haiku. He Said with a laugh "I Cut them in half, the pay is Much better for two." ------------------------------------------- if(computer.fail==true){ background.setColor(blue); user.frown(); sys.shutdown(); user.scream("OH, FUCK YOU");} ------------------------------------------- There once was a [person] from [place] Whose [body part] was [special case]. When [event] would occur, It would cause [him or her] To violate [law of time/space]. ------------------------------------------- A woman in liquor production Owns a still of exquisite construction. The alcohol boils Through magnetic coils. She says that it's "proof by induction." ------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Bertold Who drank beer when the weather grew cold As he reached for his cup... "NEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!" Oh, snap! You just got limerickrolled! ------------------------------------------- Rob, an odd fellow, designs Poems of equal-length lines And he limericks with flair As his forethought and care Ensure a word count of 3 9s (27 characters in each line, 27 words in the limerick) ------------------------------------------- A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. ------------------------------------------- A dying mosquito exclaimed, "A chemist has poisoned my brain!" The cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- Diphenyl-trichloroethane ------------------------------------------- There once was a small juicy orange, ...fuck. ------------------------------------------- If you catch a Chinchilla in Chile And cut off its beard, willy-nilly You can honestly say That you have just made A Chilean Chinchilla's chin chilly ------------------------------------------- There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "Bless my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one." ------------------------------------------- A programmer started to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss As he lay there in bed Looping 'round in his head was: while(!asleep()) sheep++; ------------------------------------------- See that lighthouse beam in the sky That guides yonder ships going by? My friend shines that beam; She's living her dream. I'm in grad school. I still don't know why. ------------------------------------------- A Brief History of Gravity It filled Gallileo with mirth To watch his two stones fall to Earth "Their rates are the same," He gladly proclaimed, "And quite independent of girth!" Then Newton declared in due course His own law of Gravity's force, "It goes, I declare, As the inverted square Of the distance from object to source." Next Einstein revealed his equation Which succeeds to describe gravitation As spacetime that's curved And it's this that will serve As the planets' unique motivation. But the end of the story's not written, By a new way of thinking we're smitten. We twist and we turn Attempting to learn The Superstring Theory of Witten. ------------------------------------------- There once was a girl named Lenore And a bird and a bust and a door And a guy with depression And a whole lot of questions And the bird always says "Nevermore." ------------------------------------------- The limerick's structure somewhat necessitates *eloquent* smut. If you haven't the time to learn meter and rhyme, then don't write them, you ignorant slut. ------------------------------------------- There is a young poet named Herman. He's not very good, but he's learnin', Though he often offends Because he so often ends Alle sein Limericks auf Deutsch. ------------------------------------------- There once was a sysadmin, Eddie, Who could strip, touch and finger real steady. But when it came to the mount, (From his sweetheart's account), It was always "Device is not ready". ------------------------------------------- On the chest of a barmaid at Yale were tattooed the prices of ale, and on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in Braille. ------------------------------------------- There was a young woman named Bright Whose speed was much faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. ------------------------------------------- There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C. ------------------------------------------- A young psychic midget named Marge Went to jail with the most heinous charge But despite lock and key The next day she broke free And the headlines said "Small Medium at Large" ------------------------------------------- The integral of zee-squared dee zee, From 1 to the cube root of 3, Times the cosine, Of 3 pi over 9, Is the log of the cube root of e. ------------------------------------------- Famous poems rewritten as limericks: I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud There once was a poet named Will Who tramped his way over a hill And was speechless for hours Over some stupid flowers This was years before TV, but still. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from Japan whose limericks just wouldn't scan. When asked why this was, he answered, "Because I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can." ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from deep space And all you could see was his face It seemed that his gig Was to make you move zig Or else he would take all your base ------------------------------------------- There once was a maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink, as you'd possibly think; It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. ------------------------------------------- This database comes with a curse: I just wasted an hour or worse On LimerickDB, Now all that I see I read as if written in verse. ------------------------------------------- A history grad student, Marta, mis-clicked as she browsed on Encarta. Instead of King Midas, there appeared Leonidas -- "Phrygia? Madame, THIS IS SPARTA!" ------------------------------------------- There was a young lad from Duntroon Who was born about three months too soon. He hadn't the luck To be born from a fuck, But a wet dream transferred with a spoon ------------------------------------------- there once was a girl on the net who sexed up a man she had met he said "are you free? I write x k c d." she replied with "you're making me wet." ------------------------------------------- A daring young woman named Alice used a dynamite stick as a phallus They found her vagina In North Carolina, And bits of her anus in Dallas. ------------------------------------------- Among all these poems, a few of the best recite old jokes anew. But there's one I don't see, And the reason must be: In Russia, the limerick writes you. ------------------------------------------- The lass I brought home was a prize, With an alluring set of bright blue eyes, Her breasts, so well kept, Were what I'd expect, But her penis was quite a surprise. ------------------------------------------- There once was a plumber from Brie, Who was plumbing a lass by the sea, She cried "Plumber, stop plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." ------------------------------------------- There was a zookeep from Nantucket Who was struck by a fish -- couldn't duck it He was thrown from the cage By a pinniped's rage. Quoth the walrus, "You can't has mah bukkit!" ------------------------------------------- There once was a vampire named Mable, whose periods were really quite stable. And every full moon, she'd get out a spoon and drink herself under the table. ------------------------------------------- There once was a gal from Peru whose limericks stopped on line two. ------------------------------------------- There once was a boy from Eau Claire Who had given his mother a scare "I see what you're doing," She said, "and you're moving With your auntie and uncle in Bel Air." ------------------------------------------- There was a young fencer named Fisk Whose swordplay was agile and brisk. So fast was his action, The Lorentz contraction Diminished his sword to a disk. ------------------------------------------- There was a young girl from Rabat, who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat; It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding, When she found she had no tit for Tat. ------------------------------------------- There once was an old man of Lyme Who married three wives at a time; When asked "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime." ------------------------------------------- Re: #146 If you think that this proof is a hit And you're enamored with your clever wit Then look close and you'll see That in part two, line three, You divided by zero - OH SHI- ------------------------------------------- Watching porn one night in his flat, upon his bed, Timothy sat. As he unzipped his fly, he looked up with a sigh, "Some privacy please, Ceiling Cat!" ------------------------------------------- The limerick packs laughs astronomical in a space that is most economical. But of the ones that I've seen, so few have been clean, and the clean ones are seldom so comical. ------------------------------------------- The bustard's an exquisite fowl, Without any reason to growl. It escapes what would be, Illegitimacy, By the grace of a fortunate vowel. ------------------------------------------- A friend of mine -- Charlie by name Is a strategist with deadly aim. He wants you to know (So I'll say 'ere I go) That you, friend, have just Lost The Game. ------------------------------------------- I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim. Ahead of my legions, I invaded her regions, I saw, I conquered, I came. ------------------------------------------- I think words are ambrosial and mystic I get tongue-tied when told, "Be simplistic." I don't mean to make louche rhymes, or to act like a douche -- I'm just lexiphanicistic. ------------------------------------------- A certified poet from Slough Whose methods of rhyming were rough Retorted, "I see That the letters agree, And if that's not sufficient, I'm through." ------------------------------------------- Miss Farad was pretty and sensual And charged to a reckless potential; But a rascal named Ohm Conducted her home - Her decline was, alas, exponential. ------------------------------------------- Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczinsky must surely have known -- That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter, Of the possible ways to be blown ------------------------------------------- A flea and a fly in a flue Were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly, "Let us flee!" "Let us fly," said the flea, So they flew through a flaw in the flue ------------------------------------------- At the party, some girls got out Twister and I joined, although one was my sister. It may be the drinks But I heard "right hand pink" And the only way out was to fist her. ------------------------------------------- Remember that artist quite quaint, who swallowed some samples of paint? All shades of the spectrum, flowed out of his rectum, with a colourful lack of restraint. ------------------------------------------- There once was a fellow from Xiangling Whose greatest delight was in mangling Poems. He would drop Words between lines and lop Their ends off, and leave readers dang ------------------------------------------- Though your poem's self-reference awed me, I'll explain why I can't quite applaud thee -- Nerds enthralled by the gimmickry flood the top list with mimicry. (And for chrissakes, don't fucking upmod me) ------------------------------------------- Novels as limericks: 1984 Our Winston works hard for the State, He meets Julia, goes on a date, His thoughtcrimes come out, He sees rats; turns devout, Now he thinks that Big Brother is great. ------------------------------------------- I auctioned an item on eBay, Whose description was true only halfway: "Four legs and a back" - Now, a seat it might lack; But those words describe bobcats, now don't they? ------------------------------------------- There one was a poet named Rix Who was also a hacker, for kicks. His greatest construction Ensured self-destruction -- The last line was ') DROP TABLE Limericks;-- ------------------------------------------- A newspaper poet for Hearst Deprived of his reason By uncontrolled sneezing Was by phantasmal demons coerced To write all of his limericks reversed. ------------------------------------------- int factorial(int sum) { if (sum == 1) return 1; if (sum != 1) return product(sum, factorial(sum - 1)); } ------------------------------------------- There once was a girl named Jude, Who's skirt by the wind was strewed. A man came along, And unless im quite wrong, You expected this last line to be lewd. ------------------------------------------- There was a limerick I heard, With stressed syllables quite awkward. Rhythm was somewhat Still present in it, but It forced mispronouncing every word. ------------------------------------------- If a pendulum's swinging quite free Then it's always a marvel to me That each tick plus each tock Of the grandfather clock Is 2 pi root L over g. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Eugene who invented a screwing machine. Concave and convex, it served either sex, and played with itself in between. ------------------------------------------- There once was a half-elven bard, Whose lute-ing was deemed avant-garde. He considered it vogue, To take levels in rogue, And he'd lute you while you were off guard. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from O'Doole who discovered red spots on his tool. He went to the doc, who looked at his cock, and said, "wipe off the lipstick, you fool." ------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Vegeta Who thought he was quite a bit leeter. Yet nine thou on the gauge left him maddened with rage, and he went and destroyed his own meter. ------------------------------------------- An architect fellow named Yoric can, when he's feeling euphoric, provide for selection three types of erection: Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric. ------------------------------------------- The sea captain's tender young bride fell into the bay at low tide, You could tell by her squeals, that some of the eels had discovered a good place to hide. ------------------------------------------- A Palindromic Limerick: Tango-noter, a disc I peek at In a temple: hot sin, a mad rat; Ere we retard, a man Is to help me tan; I take epics, I dare, to no gnat. ------------------------------------------- The Hobbit condensed into limerick form: A hobbit who came from the Shire Set off with some dwarves to acquire (With the aid of a ring) A vast hoard of bling, Amassed by a worm who breathed fire. ------------------------------------------- In searching for sex, John was stranded, for his prick was corkscrewed when expanded. His life was a hunt for that helical cunt, which he found ... but the thread was left-handed! ------------------------------------------- A dozen, a gross, and a score plus three times the square root of four divided by seven plus five times eleven is nine squared, and not a bit more! ------------------------------------------- Fermat's famous last theorem was originally conveyed in limericks. (All variables raised to the Z) For all ints: sum A, B is C; Int Z more than two, Can not ever be true. The proof: No more room. Q.E.D. ------------------------------------------- There was a young whore from Kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue Said she with a grin "If they pay to get in, they can pay to get out again too!" ------------------------------------------- There once was a young man from Kent Whose dick was so long that it bent So to save himself trouble he folded it double And instead of coming he went ------------------------------------------- In the Garden of Eden lay Adam complacently stroking his madam and great was his mirth for on all of the earth there were only two balls, and he had 'em ------------------------------------------- A lady performer in yellow Enthralled a salacious young fellow. He thrust a reward Through her G-string, and... Lord! He broke the string right off her cello! ------------------------------------------- I used to find Slashdot delightful But my feelings of late are more spiteful My comments sarcastic The iconoclastic Keep modding to +5 (Insightful). ------------------------------------------- Since your poems are clumsy and shite, No longer can I be polite: Come on you fucktard, It's really not hard, to get the damn syllables right. ------------------------------------------- Old Satan left Hell in a rush to see his wife give one last push. "Oh God!" She exclaimed. "I can't take the pain!" And that's how we got Dubya Bush. ------------------------------------------- There was a Soviet captain named XXXXXXXXXX Who was a XXXXXXX technician in XXXXXXXXX. He was XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX For failure to clear Limericks with his superiors. ------------------------------------------- A poem had readers quite smitten; 'twas the dirtiest verse ever written, Vulgar jokes, sexy themes, Readers burst at the seams, But with each reading God killed a kitten. ------------------------------------------- The army had intricate plans, but found victory snatched from their hands. "You've run out of time," said their foe, "because I'm in ur base, and I'm killing ur mans." ------------------------------------------- A poet whose friends called him Steve Once showed quite a will to achieve His skill grew so strong That his poems grew long And he sadly was forced to abbrev. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man name of Enis Who with limerick writing was genius wrote one thousand thirty not one of them dirty til he noticed his name rhymed with penis ------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Kildare who was fucking a girl on a stair. The banister broke, but he doubled his stroke, and he finished her off in mid-air. ------------------------------------------- Said the nun as the bishop withdrew: "Not bad for a bishop, it's true, But the prick of the vicar Is slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." ------------------------------------------- If A equals B (so I say), And we multiply both sides by A, Then we'll see that A squared, When with AB compared, Are the same. Remove B squared. Okay? Both sides we will factorize. See? Now each side contains A minus B. We'll divide through by A Minus B, and ole! A plus B equals B. Oh whoopee! But since I said A equals B, B plus B equals B, you'll agree? So if B equals one, Then this sum I have done, Proves that two equals one. Q.E.D. ------------------------------------------- Let's examine the memes of the day I can haz Cheeseburger's okay 2 Girls gagging shit sure beats Leeroy's lame bit ORLY YA RLY NO WAI ------------------------------------------- A decrepit old gas-man named Peter Whilst hunting around for the meter Touched a leak with his light, He arose out of sight, And as anyone can see by reading this, also completely destroyed the meter. ------------------------------------------- Ther once was an old man of Esser, Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser, It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And now he's a college professor. ------------------------------------------- A student as smart as could be Had to integrate x to the 3 He said "x to the 4 over 4, I am sure" But was off by a constant of C. ------------------------------------------- There was a young chemist from Ryde, Who drank a foul poison and died. It was ortho-hydroxy- para-methoxy- tri-nitro benzaldehyde! ------------------------------------------- While I sat with the Duchess, at tea, She inquired: "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied "Not a bit. Do you belch when you shit?" And I felt that was one point to me. ------------------------------------------- A father's geometry kid in math class said, "Look what I did! I've understood well rules for lines parallel!" Said the father, "Here's looking at Euclid!" ------------------------------------------- There once was a writer whose fanfic Was enough to make even Japan sick. Her slashfic (Link/Ganon) Was clearly non-canon; In the games, Link's not hungry for man-dick. ------------------------------------------- A challenge for many long ages Had baffled the savants and sages. Yet at last came the light: Seems old Fermat was right-- To the margin add 200 pages. ------------------------------------------- A lovely lass, Sarah O'Malley Got caught kissing boys in the alley. Her poppa was mad, He said she was bad, So now she's off smooching with Sally. ------------------------------------------- A bitter limerick connoisseur Distressfully said "I concur there's no start more rank than 'There once was a blank'. That's something that we must deter." ------------------------------------------- A couple named William and Ellie spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly, because, in their haste, they'd used library paste instead of petroleum jelly. ------------------------------------------- A sperm faced, alack and aloof, his moment of sexual truth expecting to fall on a uterine wall, he fell to his death on a tooth ------------------------------------------- A filthy and foul-mouthed young man Writes limericks like all-too-few can Heaps of cunts, shit and cocks For cheap, prurient shocks But the fucking things rhyme and they scan ------------------------------------------- There once was a young boy named Ender; The kid was mankind's last defender. He blew up a planet, Leaving nothing but granite, But was only a first-time offender. ------------------------------------------- Famous books rewritten as limericks: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy In PJs, no planet, oh poo! What is the last earthman to do? In despair with no tea, he's now forced to flee as his brain now explains 42 ------------------------------------------- There once was a lady from Trent Whose nose was most horribly bent One day I suppose She followed her nose And nobody knows where she went ------------------------------------------- A mathematician called Klein Thought the Moebius strip quite divine. Said he "when you glue The edges of two, You'll get a weird bottle like mine." ------------------------------------------- A mortician who practised in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife. "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge-- Just the same as she'd acted in life." ------------------------------------------- There once was a Minister's daughter who hated the pony he'd bought her, 'til she found that it's dong was as hard and as long as the prayers that her father had taught her. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Sweeney, who somehow spilled gin on his weenie. Just to be couth, he added vermouth, and then slipped his date a martini. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man called The_Taker, And everyone knew he was faker Than a frozen-o'er hell Or a lively death knell C-C-C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker! ------------------------------------------- >>> #340: >>> Though cleverly writ it may be >>> if the admin's offended, you see >>> your verse they will censor - >>> you'll have no defense, for >>> your limerick no-one will see. >> #343: >> I'm the DB admin you emailed >> to complain that your rights were curtailed. >> 'Twasn't moral objection >> that caused your rejection, >> but how badly at meter you failed. > #345: > The "e" there in "emailed" quite gets me > and also "it wasn't"'s crammed badly > and "database admin" can't be > four syllables, why won't you see? > I'm doubting myself now though, sadly. Well, it's "DEE bee ad MIN" in my speaking, but I welcome your friendly critiquing. See, I'm just dithyrambic that your feet aren't iambic. (These submissions would send you off shrieking) ------------------------------------------- A tutor who tooted the flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot said the two to the tutor, "is it tougher to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?" ------------------------------------------- The integral sec y dy From zero to one-sixth of pi Is the log to base e Of the square root of three Times the sixty-fourth power of i ------------------------------------------- I love clever linguistic connection and a pretty young lady's affection, while those things I adore what I'd like so much more is some velociraptor protection. ------------------------------------------- To the skeptics I say, oh come off it. Your aluminum hat? You can doff it. To me it's a riddle Just what's in the middle But I'm sure that the last step is profit. ------------------------------------------- LOLcats you might think are silly; they're in ur fridge, eatin' ur chili. But nothing is worse or as blatantly terse as that snowy owl asking, "O RLY?" ------------------------------------------- while( yourMom.isUpOn( me ) ) { me.hit( yourMom, Mood.GLEE ); } yourMom.giveCash(); yourMom.slapAss(); throw new OhShit( new STD() ); ------------------------------------------- A Peruvian farmer named Bruno Said, "Loving is something I do know: "Ladies are fine, "Little boys are divine, "But the llama is numero uno." ------------------------------------------- Regarding the coming election, I have carefully weighed my selection, Mrs. Clinton's too old And McCain leaves me cold, But Obama gives me an erection. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from the Keys Who said to his girl, on her knees, "It would give me great bliss If while playing with this You would pay some attention to these." ------------------------------------------- I wonder who reads these submissions And decides which would make good additions To a list so diverse With some better, some worse And some that defy definition ------------------------------------------- A verb invited a noun over to dine, And they shared a fine bottle of wine, The verb couldn't wait; He said, "Let's conjugate!" But sadly the noun did decline. ------------------------------------------- Seven ages: first puking and mewling, Then very pissed off with one's schooling, Then fucks, and then fights, Then judging chaps' rights, Then sitting in slippers, then drooling. ------------------------------------------- (Famous poems: Do not go gentle into that good night) There was an old father of Dylan Who was seriously, mortally illin' "I want," Dylan said "You to bitch till you're dead. "I'll be pissed if you kick it while chillin'." ------------------------------------------- My foreshadowing I write distinctly, Denouement, I can write in a blink, see, And when irony beckons, I can write it in seconds, But I can't finish limericks succinctly. ...Wait. ------------------------------------------- While browsing one-handed on-line And approaching that moment sublime, The blue-screen of death Caused an intake of breath. Linux gets you your pr0n every time. ------------------------------------------- My dog, who's a charming young pug, Started mating with part of the rug, I filmed my dear pet Put the clip on the net, And now my dog's dick's getting dugg. ------------------------------------------- What I'd love is a wormhole in space in a very particular place. I'd try to contrive it so one end's at my privates and the other's attached to my face. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from Australia Who's limericks were a bit of a failure He'd be doing fine Until the fifth line But then... urm... damn ------------------------------------------- Books as limericks: Dune There's a planet, Arrakis: it's dry, There's melange (it's a spice, gets you high), The plots and intrigue Meet round Paul Muad'dib, The sequels are poor - don't know why. ------------------------------------------- There was once a lawyer named Rex, who was small in the parts used in sex, When charged with exposure, He replied, with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." ------------------------------------------- Null vectors have zero projection. So you ask, "What can be their direction?" They point any which way. "That's magic!" you say? Not really; it's just misdirection. ------------------------------------------- You may deem all lim'ricks uncouth; you could not be farther from truth. Fulfillment is ample to learn, for example, just how to pronounce Don Knuth. ------------------------------------------- To find the best path 'tween two nodes, which are linked by a network of roads Dijkstra succeeds, but if all that one needs is Floyd-Warshall then that's what one codes. ------------------------------------------- Regarding "Hey Diddle Diddle" Remember the Cat with his fiddle? Did he know how they made The strings that he played? 'Cuz they came from a relative's middle ------------------------------------------- There once was a man who could boast that due to his low latency host when blog posts went down, he was always around to sit down and type swiftly "FIRST POST" ------------------------------------------- Mario loves Princess so deeply; He saves her from harm at least weekly. But what would he do, If Mario knew, She was banging his brother Luigi? ------------------------------------------- Do all of you not get the verse? An iamb, two anapests first, then repeat, then two lines each with an'pests two times, then one more line just like the first! ------------------------------------------- A boy in Seville did spy Through a bell-jar the kilo (SI). He picked up the glass, Took two-thirds of the mass, And thenceforth jumped three times as high. ------------------------------------------- In silence I stood on the beach Another world just out of reach I looked at the sky And wished I could fly Mocked by a grey seagull's screech ------------------------------------------- There once was a girl named Irene, who lived on distilled kerosene. But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon, And since then has never benzene! ------------------------------------------- Ol' Farmer, MacDougal, that creep, Had perversions extensive and deep He'd oft put his hand in His ovine companion (I'm saying he fisted a sheep) ------------------------------------------- The Jeweler: "Three rings for three Kings! Lords, they're done. "Seven dwarves, of course (pardon the pun). "Since you men will be dyin', "I've given you nine." "And you?" "Oh, I'll just keep the one." ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from Nantucket whose walrus oh so luved its bukket. One day walrus groaned, it had just gotten pwned; Said the lolcat "O HAI, I JUST TUK IT". ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from DC. "More lim'ricks" was his decree. In his humble abode, he learned how to code, and created the limerickDB. ------------------------------------------- if(computer.fail==true){ background.setColor(blue); user.frown(); sys.shutdown(); user.scream("OH, FUCK YOU");} ------------------------------------------- A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. ------------------------------------------- A programmer started to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss As he lay there in bed Looping 'round in his head was: while(!asleep()) sheep++; ------------------------------------------- There is a young poet named Herman. He's not very good, but he's learnin', Though he often offends Because he so often ends Alle sein Limericks auf Deutsch. ------------------------------------------- There was a young woman named Bright Whose speed was much faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. ------------------------------------------- There once was a man from Japan whose limericks just wouldn't scan. When asked why this was, he answered, "Because I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can." ------------------------------------------- A young psychic midget named Marge Went to jail with the most heinous charge But despite lock and key The next day she broke free And the headlines said "Small Medium at Large" ------------------------------------------- The integral of zee-squared dee zee, From 1 to the cube root of 3, Times the cosine, Of 3 pi over 9, Is the log of the cube root of e. ------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------- A history grad student, Marta, mis-clicked as she browsed on Encarta. Instead of King Midas, there appeared Leonidas -- "Phrygia? Madame, THIS IS SPARTA!" ------------------------------------------- A daring young woman named Alice used a dynamite stick as a phallus They found her vagina In North Carolina, And bits of her anus in Dallas. ------------------------------------------- This database comes with a curse: I just wasted an hour or worse On LimerickDB, Now all that I see I read as if written in verse. ------------------------------------------- There was a young girl from Rabat, who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat; It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding, When she found she had no tit for Tat. ------------------------------------------- There was a young fencer named Fisk Whose swordplay was agile and brisk. So fast was his action, The Lorentz contraction Diminished his sword to a disk. ------------------------------------------- I think words are ambrosial and mystic I get tongue-tied when told, "Be simplistic." I don't mean to make louche rhymes, or to act like a douche -- I'm just lexiphanicistic. ------------------------------------------- (In response to: www.limerickdb.com/?146 ) If you think that this proof is a hit And you're enamored with your clever wit Then look close and you'll see That in part two, line three, You divided by zero - OH SHI- ------------------------------------------- There one was a poet named Rix Who was also a hacker, for kicks. His greatest construction Ensured self-destruction -- The last line was ') DROP TABLE Limericks;-- ------------------------------------------- There once was a fellow from Xiangling Whose greatest delight was in mangling Poems. He would drop Words between lines and lop Their ends off, and leave readers dang ------------------------------------------- There was a limerick I heard, With stressed syllables quite awkward. Rhythm was somewhat Still present in it, but It forced mispronouncing every word. ------------------------------------------- There once was a girl named Jude, Who's skirt by the wind was strewed. A man came along, And unless im quite wrong, You expected this last line to be lewd. -------------------------------------------